Saturday, January 14, 2017

Weekend musings

I have a few things to say. I apologize in advance; I fear it may be a bit of a ramble.

Aunt Pegi's been sick for awhile, for long enough to know that the additional six months to a year past her expected departure date have been a blessing. But let me get back to that, after this brief story:

Before we made it to that ^^^ location yesterday, I'd received word from Daddy that Pegi was gone. Now, I'm okay. Pegi was only my aunt by marriage. She was a fine woman, but she wasn't the mother of the cousins I'd grown up with, and we were never particularly close.

But Daddy lives nearby to his brother, who has had his own health issues to face/fight, before, during, and after Pegi's cancer battle. Daddy gets to walk his big bro through the entrance to the widower's club, and help him sort out "what next". And because the big bro has his own health issues, there's always the possibility that he'll allow his broken heart to give him an easy exit from the club. So Daddy is grieving the loss of his SIL, and pre-grieving the loss of his big bro. And I've asked him if he needs any of his progeny to be present now or if big bro goes. He's said no, but I'm not sure that won't change. Even if big bro doesn't have any kind of service, there's still all that stuff that survivors have to deal with. If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch Manchester by the Sea. Think about the stuff that you will leave behind, if you leave this plane of existence early. All the stuff that your survivors will have to deal with.

Typically in my household and my family, winter months are difficult. When Mommy was alive, winter was always when her Depression would hit; she was as much a victim of SAD as I and my InnerHippie big sis are. She's been gone ten years this past October, so there's our family's first Sadiversary. And I do usually get hit by SAD or just my own version of Depression.

Then, four years ago, Stephen's dad left us in November. Another Sadiversary for our family. And his grief becomes my grief, and we deal with our Depression together or separately. Then there's also the natural hiatus of the entertainment industry that makes me wonder if I'll ever work another day on set, ever again (I have not yet worked in 2017). More D.

Anyway. Winter usually equals D, or at the very least SAD, at least in this household. But as you know, I haven't really been hit by it this season, oddly.

So whilst we were walking yesterday, I suggested that we make time to watch a movie or two (since we have so many screeners now). When we finally sat down to do that, since I suggested that we both wanted to re-watch Arrival and La La Land, Stephen put in the latter, assuming that it would be too bright and cheery for me to get morose.

When we saw it in a theater, I was distracted and angered by a woman sitting two rows forward, filming on her phone every time Ryan Gosling had a musical number. Her phone was too bright but also, filming during a screening is PIRACY. It was a SAG-AFTRA event, which should mean that you, the "filmer", are a SAG-AFTRA member, and you know why PIRACY is both wrong and illegal. Put Your Fucking Phone Away, You Stupid Cunt!

Sorry. Ennyhoo, I wanted to watch the film again at home, to see if I liked it better than the first time. Stephen wanted to see it again to find out if he liked it as much as the first time. But while we were watching it, he started looking up particular filming locations, and then he allowed politics and/or Facebook to distract him, on his phone, which meant I was also distracted by his phone. Not that he was filming. Still. That's how he watches stuff at home, after he's seen it at least once,

We got to two very important scenes and I started tearing up, at least internally. This movie was making me SAD! It's making me SAD right now, thinking about it. Once it was over, I was full-on crying, and the more we discussed what we'd just seen, the SADDER I got. And it doesn't really make any sense. It doesn't necessarily attach to the story being told. And the music is lovely, and the singing and dancing is fun or beautiful or whatever it's supposed to be, and all of the performances and characterizations are spot-on. But I honestly don't know if this film is going to make it any higher on my "faves" list above "top ten for the year". Because I don't like being SAD for the characters, and this one does that to me.

And maybe I'm actually grieving my Aunt Pegi. She was only ever my aunt by marriage, and she wasn't the mother of the cousins I'd grown up with, and we were never particularly close. But she's gone now. She went peacefully in a morphine sleep, and she was 78, so I doubt she had much left she wanted to accomplish, so it's all good.

But still.

Here's your assignment, should you choose to accept it. Please do not comment "Sorry for your loss" statements below. I know, if you are a regular reader, that that sort of thing is what you wish to express. If you have healing vibes or energy or prayers or anything like that, go ahead and send them to Daddy and his big bro. They can really use them. But for me, if you have ANY kind of personal story to tell me in the comments, Please Do. It can be relaying your own grief, or something silly/stupid/fun/funny you've recently done, or your own experience with SAD or Depression, or your own musings regarding coffee, La La Land, Manchester, actors, music, this blog, whatever. I love hearing from you and interacting with you. Thank you in advance.

*****In looking through old posts for appropriate hyperlinks, I just came across this "thinker". My sister commented that she would be commenting, and then never did comment! Maybe this go-round?


  1. I haven't really had SAD - I always do feel a bit more miserable in the winter than in the summer but it has always been justified by the bad weather (especially in Canada), rather than an actual depression. Re: Manchester. I went once. I saw a drag act on a hen night and had to go home early because I had a migraine. Re: grief. I have grieved so many people, not all of them passed and usually they were men who left me. But the hardest to grieve are the young friends I have lost along the way. My childhood best friend had an aneurysm aged 26 and though we had stopped speaking so much as we grew older, I still think of her frequently. Ps - I am sorry for the loss by the way - pps this is Holly.

    1. Oh, Holly. Your "by the way" actually gave me a chuckle (because I had specifically said that I KNEW that was what you'd WANT to say). That's rough about the childhood friend, but probably better for you that you'd drifted apart. Allows your thoughts of her NOW to be of pleasant times and "what could've been"s.

      Not sure I understand whether you've actually seen Manchester by the Sea (which was released after baby girl joined you), or if the drag show you attended was called "Manchester (by the Sea)". Whichever the case may be, I'm sorry you missed it. It's a good film (and/or likely a jolly good time!)

      SAD is a real thing that typically does hit in wintertime because of the lack of sufficient sunlight. Treatments for it include ingesting Vitamin D and/or sitting beneath a UV lamp for 15-minute increments. It is not usually as severe as a diagnosed "Depression" (at least, it isn't for me). This may be due to its temporary nature. You could have a week of gloomy weather and then get hit with one or two BIG sunny days, and you immediately feel "better". And winter doesn't last forever, especially the closer you live to the equator.

      I'm sorry Google isn't letting you "log in" to post comments, but I'm okay with you being here as "Anonymous". Hopefully, you'll check back to see my response, since Anon doesn't allow a "notification". :/

  2. The big D has been doing a lot of lying to me lately so I've been off the grid for a bit and just now getting back to it. I am sending out positive thoughts to everyone who needs them. I wish I had a funny story to tell you but I don't have it in me right now.

    1. I appreciate the check-in. You do whatcha gotta to take care of yourself.

      A couple more movie reviews coming, before the Oscars, & then I'll be back to whatever it is I normally talk about! :)


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