I’m a PRINCESS

Last night, I had a “Princess and the Pea” moment. Typically, when I go to bed, I’ll pull the top pillow down to the foot(-ish) of the bed, and get in, lying on my back. Typically, I have to shoo Smokey and/or Cocoa off the covers and top sheet so that I CAN get in bed. The reason I lie on my back (at first recline) is for feline belly rubs.

Smokey comes up my right side, crossing or perching on my chest and ribcage 3 or four times before finally settling into my right armpit. I’ll start his belly rubs, while he rests his head on my diaphragm, watching Cocoa attempt to settle in on my left side. She wants to walk all the way up to my face, and if I reach for her At All (to scratch her head or whatever), she’ll back away toward my feet. She does this three or four times as well, sniffing or licking Smokey’s head in the process, and then she’ll eventually plop down (very ungracefully) against my left ribcage, throwing her back leg over my hand for optimal belly rubs.

Cocoa would honestly rather have me to herself, so she typically hounds me for her personal belly rubs throughout the day, or she’ll wake me (too) early for one-on-one snuggles. This means that she also tends to depart the bedtime belly rubs pretty quickly; within five minutes, Smokey has me to himself.

After ten or twenty minutes (just about when I’ve fallen asleep), Smokey will depart, as well. I don’t blame him; what’s the point of perfect belly rub positioning if you’re not actually getting your belly rubbed? Once I am sans feline, I’ll roll over to one side and curl up, semi-fetal position, and go to sleep for the night (until Cocoa decides to wake me {too} early).

Last Night, when I curled up, I felt a pain in my ankle. It wasn’t a sharp pain, but it did feel like, if I didn’t do something about it, I would end up with a stone bruise. On My ANKLE. So I lifted the pillow I use as weight on my feet, and discovered a mouse.

No, it wasn’t a live mouse. Nor was it a dead mouse. It was a stuffed catnip mouse. When the mouse was new, it was vibrantly colored and had a purple felt tail. It still has the bell or rattle or whatever it is inside it that makes it an appealing toy (the catnip doesn’t hurt its appeal). It no longer has its tail. The ears are frayed. One eye is frayed. Most of its surface is frayed. It seems to be leaking stuffing through its muted-in-color, no-longer-vibrant pelt. Stephen often calls it a FISH (because the ears look like fins, and it has no tail).

Smokey is ALLOWING me to photograph FishMouse

But it’s well-loved, and the bed is honestly the best place for us to store the most-well-loved toys belonging to the cats, so they don’t go “hunting” in the middle of the night, while we’re sleeping. They can “hunt” all they want during the day, as long as we remember to bring the toys to bed with us.

*note to self: don't forget to return FishMouse to the bed, when this is posted

At Any Rate… the bell or rattle or whatever’s inside that damn mouse felt like a stone. It wasn’t a pea at the bottom of the stack of mattresses, it was atop the covers but under a pillow. And it was bugging me, y’all.

#ImAPrincess #ImaFuckingPrincessYall #ImaFuckingPrincessAndDontYouEverForgetIt

New stuff is new

I've been "doing" a lot of educational stuff to move my career forward. The other day, I had to film myself for a couple of auditions for a student film. Not all auditions are in person, unfortunately. Not everyone can coordinate schedules in an appropriate audition space. So sometimes we self-tape. My experience the other day was my first time self-taping in California (I had done one self-tape on the #WrongCoastForMe, and it was really really horrible.)

The other day wasn't as horrible. It still wasn't particularly good, but I ended up with two clips where you *can* see and hear me, and I *did* perform the lines that were given. So we'll see. The good news about all of it was that it'll no longer be "new" if when I have to self-tape again. #HowDoesItGetAnyBetterThanThis?

But sometimes, new stuff is actual stuff. Yesterday, Stephen and I took a little walk, just to get some steps in and also to get some fresh air. As we exited our building, we noticed a complete chest of drawers sitting in the alley. So we walked past it, discussing where we'd put it, in our tiny apartment, if we were to think about adding it to our furnishings.

Stephen's been a touch under the weather for the last few days, so when we got back in from our walk, he sort of "wound down" so he could go to bed relatively early, since he'd have to go in early to work today. So I assumed the chest of drawers would end up in someone else's apartment. But just as he was heading to bed, he suggested I go down and take some measurements. Hmm...

It's 4'4" wide, which was the biggest detriment to us bothering to bring it upstairs, unless it was also #SuperFuckingHeavy. While measuring it, I also removed all the drawers, so I could investigate the pulls and the tracks, and lift the damn thing as well, to gauge the weight. The drawer pulls were mostly tight enough but could use some tightening. The tracks were all in great shape. The dresser itself had one front leg that needed some tightening, and the center-back leg needed some realigning. The only detriment I found in the alley was the 4'4". But my favorite number is 4, so could we find a "home" for this piece?

I measured the wall in the kitchen next to the fridge: kind of a snug fit, and where would we relocate the stack of bins to? I measured the hallway wall, and figured that would work, at least temporarily. But what will a chest of drawers hold in a hallway? Hmm... Stephen eyeballed the living room wall with the entertainment center, and mentioned some rearrangement there. That would definitely give the piece "purpose" (hiding all the not-currently-in-use electronics, etc.), but would also require moving the two small toy chests elsewhere, so where? I told Stephen to sleep on that one, and I planned to spend today doing the tightening/cleaning that it would require.

Which means, YES. We brought it in last night, set it in the hallway with drawers sitting on top, so the cats could give it a good investigation and approval overnight.

And I've spent my morning listening to educational stuff whilst cleaning and rearranging and tightening and sorting and whatnot in the kitchen. We'll see what Stephen thinks before we put anything in the drawers, but I'm pretty happy with the idea of it holding Corningware or serving dishes or other kitcheny stuff, kinda like a china cabinet would (but having no Chinaware, we have no need of a china cabinet).

What do YOU think of our NEW thing? Are you a procurer of new stuff that's actually someone else's old stuff?

Blargh. It's already the 18th day of the new year!

As if "time" were a real thing, or "years" or "dates". I'm kicking myself because I haven't blogged since the 30th of December, or since the 364th day of the "old" year. Like it matters, in the grand scheme of life, how often you "hear" from me (or not).

I have been busy. I dunno why I'm kicking myself for not posting ideas I'm kicking around. #GratefulToBeBusy #BlessedWithWork #NoSADSoFar #WooHoooo #Hashtags

It's been Awards Season(TM), and you're probably aware that I've been receiving

1. invitations to screenings
2. physical screeners in the snail mail
3. access to streaming screeners online

so of course, I've been watching and absorbing and enjoying all the movies and television/internet shows. I've also been back at my crocheting. I have been busy, creating tons* of beanies, mittens, and Moebius scarflets, as well as a pair of fingerless gloves for my mail carrier, PitBull.

*not LITERAL tons, just, ya know, a "shit ton" or possibly more than that, like maybe a "fuck tonne"

 I mailed out 22 items for family.

Bill "cheated" - opening the gift early, so he could wrap for the boys. I'm okay with that. ;)

I filmed a webseries of crocheting and movie reviews with a friend. I attended classes, at the SAG-AFTRA Conservatory and online and elsewhere. And I managed to have some days on set, and days where I walked again, and got groceries shopped for, and hung out with friends.

But I have, once again, neglected my blogging. I'm sorry. Forgive me?

Oh, yeah. Also, I need help choosing a name for my personal website. It will be a site to host my "business" of acting and other film/television production "stuff" (headshots, resumes, voice clips, demo reels, that web-series, and anything else pertaining to ME in the world of show biz). I looked into "emelle dot com" but that one got snagged when domains were first available for snagging. A broker called me the other day to tell me that the "owner" was willing to sell me that domain for, oh, say, SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS? Sheesh. No. #FuckYouVeryMuch, "owner" of "my" domain.

So I'm tossing around "therealemelle", "realemelle", and "the-real-emelle" dot com. I know that most of my "audience" will not have to type it out or fear getting it wrong, but there are a BUNCH of "e"s in any of those combos, so I want it to be fairly intuitive, which is why I'm considering hyphens. I've been told by a few beta-testers that hyphens are the only phone-friendly appropriate punctuation, and I get that anyone I send to my site via phone will appreciate not having to hunt for the underscore. What are your thoughts? IF you were to "check me out" without a hyperlink, which address makes the most sense to you?

Once I've bought the domain, I'm going to need help building the site, too. I'm not planning on investing in additional webhosting with a template, unless y'all tell me that I have to, because there's no other way for a semi-Luddite to do it. And frankly, if that IS the way, what company will give me the best value for hosting/building? Yes, I get that it's an investment in my career. No, I do not want to spend thousands of dollars, particularly when right now, I have mediocre headshots and an OLD resume (remember, I've been working in the background for fifteen years). I'm emotionally ready (and trained, so mentally ready, as well) to jump into the foreground, but I just don't have the materials necessary to build a kick-ass site.

Ennyhoo, that's where I am these days. Too many things on my plate to be able to keep up with blogging or blog-reading. At least the cats are healthy. Oh, and, I had to disassemble my keyboard to clean it (sticky keys and soooo much cat hair!) - when I put it back together, I swapped two keys, which only matters if I actually LOOK for the letter I need. Can you spot my mistake?

Christmas is Over. Is it Easter yet?

As you may remember, for many years after Mommy died, I didn't have much Christmas Spirit. I mean, I would break out my Santa hat and ornament earrings, and start wearing all that shit, including my jingle ball necklace, starting on December 1st. But every year, that was the extent of my Christmas Spirit.

When I married Stephen, we would buy a little potted rosemary "tree" each year, which he would decorate with lights and ornaments, and he'd hang lights and garlands around the living room, and the place would look festive. I mostly didn't help with the decorating. He mostly didn't need help, and he always "got it" that I just wasn't emotionally in a place where I needed to decorate. I appreciated it being done, but I think not having it would have been fine, too. I dunno. It was always his "thing".

When we moved to the wrong-for-us coast, we acquired a fake Christmas tree, so no more rosemary "trees". It's probably for the best, at least for the rosemary. We never could keep those little things alive a full year. I'm #Grateful that Lowe's always took the poor, pathetic dead things back when we bought a new one. But once we got the fake one from his dad's house, we stopped buying and killing rosemary.

Two years ago*, I put up the tree and decorated it. He didn't ask me to, but he was pleasantly surprised that I had done it. There were still garlands and lights and other things he could do, so the apartment was festive enough. And I personally had some Spirit. *I really thought that this happened last year, not two years ago. Apparently, last year, I was fighting SAD again. #DepressionLies

Last year, we were back to Stephen doing it all. He didn't need my help, so he did it all on his own. This year, I probably offered to help, but by not jumping up into it, he again did it all on his own. But possibly because this year he's an actual orphan,  he ran out of steam after hanging all the lights and garlands and getting the tree up and lit. I wore my Santa hat, ornament earrings, jingle ball and socks once or twice this month. We spent the whole month of December with a box or two of ornaments under the tree, waiting to be put up. Never happened.

Until today, when Stephen took down all of the decorations and packed them away. The ornaments have been put up, if where they are stored until next year is elevated in any way. Christmas is over. He's even sweeping, vacuuming, and mopping the kitchen floor (not that our fake tree sheds needles or anything, but the floor needed the mopping). He's a hero, kids.

So, since I have spent practically every day of this cool-weather season crocheting gifts for family and friends, including after I mailed out the family gifts, I've gone back to Jo-Ann for more yarns. They've got the bright pastels out, so I guess I'm working on Easter eggs... maybe Easter baskets? Hmm... I do have a pattern for some "catch-all" crocheted basket thingies. I guess I know what to start on next! ... besides blogging, reviewing movies for you, ramping my acting career into a higher gear, and loving on the cats, of course.

How have YOUR holidays been? Looking toward 2019 with eagerness, or dread? Let's talk about that!

It's been ... one week since you ... GOTCHA!

Okay, it's been FIVE MONTHS since you heard from me, but any chance for an earworm, and I'm all over it.

So what the hell have I been up to in the last five months, you say? Lemme peruse the calendar real quick, and I'll tell you:

• In June, I marched in the Pride Parade, as you know. I also volunteered for stuff, I worked on set, and I PERFORMED the role of Molly McGee in the SAG-AFTRA Radio Play, Fibber McGee and Molly (no, that's not my voice in the link). It was a ton of fun, getting to perform for an audience again, and the Holiday SARP is coming up, so I'll be in attendance for that, since I was ineligible to audition (having booked the summer show).
• In July, I enrolled in the SAG-AFTRA Conservatory and attended the Summer Intensive. AFI is the leading film school in the country (possibly the world) for directors and cinematographers. They partner with the Conservatory, allowing us to utilize their space for tens of thousands of dollars' worth of acting/business education, and they get union (Conservatory) actors for their student films. It's a definite win-win. It costs union members $45 for a year's enrollment. My enrollment fee was covered in that first weekend intensive. Awesome.
• In August, I volunteered, I attended Conservatory workshops, I took a friend to what I thought was a screening, but turned out to just be a gathering of folks interested in the NatGeo show Genius: Picasso, where we painted on our own canvasses, noshed on tidbits, and sipped wine. I also started working in the BG of a new Toni Collette Netflix show called Unbelievable. I can't say anything at all about it, even though we're finished shooting, because it doesn't come out until next year! Wah! (It's going to be an excellent show, and you should definitely watch it, whether I ever managed any camera time or not).
• September brought more Conservatory, more work on Unbelievable, more volunteering, Picketing a Business with my union (a commercial ad agency that has honored union signatory contracts for more than 20 years has suddenly decided that they just can't afford union actors anymore. So we arrived by the busload and marched in front of their offices for a couple of hours. Some people had signs, most of us were wearing our free-if-you-participate #AdsGoUnion/#BestInTheBiz t-shirts, and I believe the vast majority of us lost our voices for a day. It was good), and more screenings... we're heading into awards season! We also attended a night of streaming an entire web series, done by some old theatre friends of mine. Interesting.
• October. More Conservatory, more screenings, more work, more volunteering. We enjoyed a dinner party on a boat with my friend who was celebrating her 50th birthday. I attended a few voiceover workshops, including one where I learned about an upcoming VO Expo. I attended an acting workshop where I was finally able to figure out how to FOCUS my acting career. We attended a one-woman show produced/performed by another theatre friend of mine who has survived breast cancer (her show is called Chemo Barbie, and she sometimes tours, so if she comes to YOU, go see her show. Tell her I sent ya.)
• November has been busy, y'all. SCREENINGS work SCREENINGS volunteering SCREENINGS Conservatory SCREENINGS the VO Expo SCREENINGS Thanksgiving-a.k.a.-Gluttony-Day and SCREENINGS. This is honestly the reason I'm even back to my blog at all. Stephen and I paid to see Bohemian Rhapsody, because, duh, Queen. But everything else I've seen lately has been free through the Awards emails or the SAG-AFTRA Foundation. I've got a few titles you should definitely check out, if you can. If you'd like me to review anything, as I've done in the past, comment to that effect below, and I'll try to carve out some time to do that.

The year Lion came out, I didn't love any movie as much as that one, and I felt personally betrayed that it didn't garner more awards. I think the main reason it fell short was because it didn't get the audience it deserved. I don't want that to happen this year.

This Year, if there is Any Way Possible for you to see The 12th Man, then you have to do it. You have to see this film, and you have to see it again, and take friends with you, and then they have to see it again, and they have to take friends with them. Everyone you know needs to see #12thManMovie. Everyone you know needs to talk about it at the water cooler and on social media. It's a foreign film with English subtitles about true events that happened in Norway during World War II. But it doesn't "feel" like a foreign film. It doesn't feel like a low-budget (only $7 million) "out there" film. It FEELS like a big studio picture; it FEELS like it had a huge budget that was spent on cinematography and effects (the only member of the cast you may recognize is Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who worked for scale, so the budget wasn't spent on cast). Disclaimer: I don't have any personal stake in this film. The producers haven't paid me to advertise this film. I just feel really strongly that this film is Oscar-worthy, and worthy of your time, and that everyone I know and everyone you know should see this film, at the earliest possible convenience.

If you're in Los Angeles and want to attend a screening THIS THURSDAY, let me know ASAP. I'll get you the invite. Or send a request to sara at phase 2 pr dot com, asking for screenings. No, it's not hyperlinked, because I don't want to be the source of her inbox filling with spam (Blogger warned me about linking addresses, yo)

Ennyhoo. I've said what I needed to say. I'll be back with my previous frequency, I hope. Now I just need to get back to my holiday crocheting and looking for VO work and possibly joining an acting class I audited last night. I'm busy, y'all!

Pride 2018

I have a confession, kids.

I don't really know how to be an activist. Nor a feminist. Nor any "ist", if I'm truly honest.

I marched in the first Women's March. I participated in a GLOBAL event that brought many issues to light, not the least of which was the fact that a morally bankrupt anti-everything dolt had somehow "won" the role of President of the United States of America, and we were in for a world of trouble because of it.

It felt good to surround myself with people from all walks of life, marching for equality. I didn't stick around for any of the speeches. Maybe that makes me a "bad" activist. Or a non-activist. I was a participant for a few hours, and then I went home and taught myself how to crochet a

WIP

Pussy Hat. Activism done. I guess.

I retweet a lot, because I don't really know how to activism beyond my phone. I'm supportive of my friends in #TheBloggessTribe who suffer from all manner of mental illness but primarily Depression and Anxiety. I retweet articles about mental illness. I'm upset about #CadetBoneSpurs, so I retweet about the bullshit he's making happen. I retweet about #GOPCorruption, because #DOLT45 is absolutely being empowered in his bullshit by the extremely weak-willed right-wing Congress and Senate.

I'm also a cishet white woman, which puts me only one "degree" away from membership in the privileged group (cishet white men). I do know what #WhitePrivilege is. So I'm not exactly being "oppressed". But I see the oppression that my friends or acquaintances feel, and I want to support them. I want to be an ally.

I want to do more, but I don't know how. Or maybe I'm too lazy. <== That is probably the actual truth. I'm just too damn lazy to do more.

panoramic view of our gathering point, where we waited 1.5 hours

But marching with comrades-in-arms feels good. So yesterday, I walked with a group of 20-30 members of the actors' union, SAG-AFTRA, in the Los Angeles Pride Parade.

once actually IN the parade, our view (yes, that's a giant disco ball)

parade watchers, a sample

yes, there were plenty of men in drag. of course!

somewhere ahead of us was a confetti cannon

It was a PARADE, not a MARCH. It was a celebration for the LGBTQ+ community. I'm not a member of that community, but walking the parade route with my union mates, I allied myself with the community, and I probably looked like I'm somewhere in the LGBTQ+ spectrum. Fairly certain that at least one person there thought I was a lesbian or bisexual. I'm okay with that. Think what you want. #Ally

cloud of confetti, dead center

confetti in the air is HARD to catch!

glitter me this

I have another confession. I don't know the difference between "gay" and "queer", nor do I have a clue about "pan" or "ace" or any of the other pluses. Not that it matters. Not that I need to know. Unless you are one of the pluses and want me to know. In which case, I'm willing to learn, if you're willing to educate me.

Yesterday was exhausting. It was fun and fulfilling and draining and hot and sweaty and glittery. I'm #ProudToBeAnAlly.

my "crown"... literally, glitter on the crown of my head! (this is today, btw)

I'm also still spreading glitter throughout our apartment. It will probably never leave.

Do/did YOU participate in any #Pride2018 events?

Is it possible to "cure" Depression?

As you may know, I have somehow managed to survive this past "winter" without any major or even minor-but-noticeable bouts of Depression. Mommy's Sadiversary passed mostly unnoticed. I mean, at some point, I did remember, but it's not like I was particularly morose. Stephen's Dad's Sadiversary passed, and I honestly don't remember if either one of us commented on it at all. I skipped Thanksgiving; Christmas was whatever; Mommy's birthday passed much like her Sadiversary. New Year's Eve/Day were "meh". We ALWAYS ignore Valentine's Day, because #StupidHallmarkHolidaysAreStupidHallmarkHolidays HashtagWhateverThatBritishDudeOnWhatcultureSaysForWankersAndThenRepeatsForWankers

The Ides of March... Saint Patrick's Day... Easter... Arbor Day?... Mother's Day... #MayTheFourthBeWithYou (Star Wars Day)... #AndAlsoWithYou (Standard Presbyterian Response Day)... Cinco de Mayo... essentially SPRING! and no S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder, a.k.a. Winter Depression)

Granted, I did my best to stay busy. I was on set as much as possible, but when am I not on set "as much as possible"? I did a lot of volunteering at the union offices. I went to a lot more meetings and seminars and whatnot (including the health fair) being hosted by the union and/or the Foundation. I've gotten involved, yo.

I bought VO equipment and have been using it (a little; probably not "enough"). I'm reading books about VO that I've checked out from the Lab's library. I seem to be the only one who even knows they exist for lending. I've talked about my "career" with whomever has any insight, and I've discovered that I'm probably at a crossroads of sorts. Like, I KNOW that I need to "pick" some direction and then FOCUS. But it's hard! There are so many cool things I could be good at, in this industry! There are a couple of seminars that I Must Take to help me with that, but I haven't seen any openings listed in awhile. And, with the way my career has ebbed and flowed, chances are really good that when they do come around again, I'll be too busy! Which is, of course, not a bad thing.

But. Last night, while volunteering for the VO Lab's Orientation session, I discovered a feeling I haven't felt in a really long time.

HAPPINESS.

I felt genuinely happy, y'all. My birthday is coming up, and I'd had my standard (getting old) "hitch in my giddy-up" pretty much All Day. When one decides to start utilizing the VO Lab, one must attend ONE Orientation. Because of my volunteering, last night was my FOURTH. So what? Big deal. I was smiling, grinning, laughing, dancing, playing as I greeted all of those newbies, and I felt 100% like my old (young) self. HAPPY.

And it rolled over into today, too! I worked a commercial at the beginning of the month, and my paycheck still hadn't reached my mailbox by this morning. So I had to call, y'all. The payroll company is in CHICAGO. The CSR I reached is in Kentucky. I hate making these "where my money at, ASSHOLE?" kinds of calls. Everyone hates making them. We shouldn't have to make them!

But I did it. And I was courteous, but direct. Charles was able to track my check, which had been cut ON TIME but mailed to our old address in Burbank, because for Some Stupid Reason, Payroll Companies Don't Look At Your Brand New Timecard Or W-4 Or I-9, they just figure nobody ever moves. It's been SIX years since I worked for this payroll company. Or, to be Even More Accurate, six years ago, I worked for a payroll company that has since been bought out by the current one. Meaning, this particular payroll company should not have had ANY of my previous data "on file".

Now, did I cuss Charles out? No, I Did Not. Did I remember that none of this was his fault, and say so? Yes, I Did. Did I make it so clear that I was grateful for his help that he actually LAUGHED on our phone call? Yes, as a matter of fact, I DID THAT, TOO.

*** who the fuck is this person? ***

I vaguely remember happiness, y'all. I remember joy. I remember playing and laughing and singing and dancing just because. This is where I am today. I like it. I doubt my Depression is gone for good, but boy, do I like me TODAY. I like Happiness.

I wish for you all the happiness or joy or freedom from pain you can muster. Please join me in this feeling of good. And let me know below what's up with you! I miss our give-and-take! Our repartee! Our interaction! Comment, y'all! And thank you in advance. :D