Yesterday, I went for a walk, because I have that stupid non-FitBit thingy that hounds me about my 10,000 steps. I walked slow for me, getting in fewer than 3 mph. I did laps at the mall, and even though I had my headphones so I could listen to a podcast or two, I never plugged 'em in. I counted my friggin' steps, and I got pissed off when they didn't register at the end of this particular lap, but then I was "okay" when the next lap seemed to catch up. There is a bit of a delay between the equipment I wear and the app in the phone that logs it all. I need to remember to trust that it's mostly accurate. I also ran into Stephen at the See's candy shop, as we had both arrived for our free sample. He went straight home from there, since I still had what looked like three laps ahead of me, and as I said, I wasn't walking my usual brisk pace.
But here's my takeaway from yesterday's walk, which I TWEETED upon my return:
No motivation to do anything except please non-FitBit thingy today: 10,316 steps, ~4.45 miles. What day is it, anyway?
While farting around on Twitter, I saw THIS link. Usually, I don't bother to follow links in Twitter, because then I can never return to wherever I left off (one of the things that irks me about Twitter). But I read the article, and tweeted again.
Just mentioned I'm unmotivated & then I see THIS in my feed. I'm not in the 1st group, but I see myself in the 2nd.
So, today, Stephen had an early meeting at his job, followed by a split shift. Before the first part of his day, he cleaned the kitchen while I slept, making no noise at all. I was gonna do that when I got up! He got back from his meeting and announced that they now have an "Employee of the Month" who wins a $25 Visa Card, and that he had won! Yay! Then he farted around a bit online before he had to return to work, and since he had heated a cup of coffee for me, I cooked us up some coconut pancakes with bacon for lunch. Sometime in that at-home break, he mentioned that he'd read my two tweets (on Facebook, since I have my accounts linked and he doesn't have a Twitter account), and was there anything he'd been doing to exacerbate my Depression? So we had a little talk about it.
There is not one Thing that I or any other person can Do or Not Do that makes me Depressed. We both know that Unemployment is a HUGE de-motivator for me, and that Not Working can make matters worse. It is possible that Unemployment is my Number One Depression Trigger, with "SAD" weather taking a Close Second, but again, I haven't been diagnosed, so who knows?
|it's too long. I'm ready to buzz-|
cut it, like in my Twitter profile pic
|left hand in front of DIRTY hair|
|yeah, I dye the hair on my head. That's to help God keep it the color|
He gave me at birth. I AM a Blonde! (which, of course, in my pits, just looks DIRTY)
And one last "physical" symptom that I know something is "up" with me: two toes on my right foot (next to Big, and Middle) have been hurting for awhile, as if they're broken or something. They aren't broken, but nothing seems to ease the "pain" I feel. Not being barefoot; not wearing sandals, nor high heels, nor sneakers. They just hurt. And yes, I know that I need a new pair of walking shoes (yay, a stupid reason to spend stupid money!), but getting my daily steps in (in whatever shoes I'm wearing) neither exacerbates nor alleviates the "pain" in Two Toes. Whaddup widdat?
|right hand in front of disgusted-with-myself face|
So this is My Depression: I do what I gotta do. I don't do what I don't gotta do. I ... feel ... nothing. I really just want to be working; is that so much to ask? Oh, and to win the Lottery. That would be good! Then I could take a nice, warm, sunny vacay away from Depression and do the Work I need to get moving on to propagate more WORK. I love Work. Have I mentioned that? Can you tell, in reading this post, why Depression is an "invisible" illness, for me and for others?
***** Mommy was Depressed for much of her adult life. We know she was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression after Inner Hippie was born; it's possible she also suffered with PPD after I and Baby Bro were born, but she also had undiagnosed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome during that same time period. Mommy's illness was Very Invisible, sadly. It took much too long, and stole entirely too much of her joy, to get her illness out from "all in her head". So I'm blessed to only suffer my Mild Depression, and to be able to suffer it openly. I'm blessed that Mommy had as much Joy as she had, which was quite abundant, for someone who was silently suffering for so long. Typing all this is bringing me to tears, which means I'm feeling something. Thank you, Mommy.