Today started poorly. One of the cats had had an accident on the towel/rag we're using as a bathmat. Stephen assumed it was Cocoa, because she's more "scent-sitive" than Smokey is, and besides, she was the one who woke him at 6:30 to go do something about it. While he passive-aggressively made enough noise for me to feel "blamed" for the incident, I DID go back to sleep. He came back to bed, and then we both got up around 9, I think.
Did our things. I felt him following me around, waiting to tell me what Cocoa had done. I probably drove him crazy by not giving him any indication that I knew what had happened, or that I appreciated the clean-up. I should have thanked him. Thank you, Stephen.
But my morning sort of spiraled. The skies have been gray, and that contributes to my own personal "cloudiness." I was in a bad mood, because everywhere I went, there were drawers and cabinets and closets left open. I've said something about this seemingly new habit before. So I passive-aggressively made enough noise while closing things for him to hear me, and maybe remember that I've said something about this already. I don't want to nag, so I passive-aggressively make noise. It's not good, and I know it.
Here's the thing. When he realized I was grumpy, he immediately wanted to know what he'd done wrong or how he could "fix" it, right then in that moment. So what follows is my list of wants, needs, and desires, as a human being. I know I can't have this list RIGHT NOW. I'd like to have it in general.
I want to live in a clean environment that is comfortable for anyone who visits. I don't want to ever have to say "excuse the mess" when anyone walks in the door. I have cats and a husband but not dogs or children. There should never be a mess to have to excuse, now that we're mostly unpacked (but for the books).
I want my husband to want the same clean environment. I appreciate it when he vacuums the cat hair off the futon, but I'll appreciate it more when I don't have to clean up the toothpaste off any mirrors. Is this a big deal or a little one? It bugs me, but maybe I should get over it because it's just a stupid little nothing? I honestly don't know.
I want my dishwasher to actually clean my dishes. Right now, it leaves a film, and nothing looks clean. We're using a rinse aid, but I don't know what else to do about it.
I want to have the freedom to have a bad day or be in a bad mood and get myself out of it. I know that men need to fix things RIGHT NOW, but I don't expect you to cancel your plans that you made for yourself and for your business, and I don't want you to think that I expect you to fix it for me. I want to come blog myself into a good mood, okay? (It's working, by the way. Blogging, plus the fact that your plans for today inadvertently included "separate" time.)
I want things outside of this apartment to occupy our time and our brainpower (see previous sentence). That week I had three days on set was a glorious week. I know there will be plenty more of these opportunities, and I'm looking forward to them. I've got a phone interview tomorrow, and Stephen's got a second in-person interview at the same time, so we could each book work for ourselves, starting soon! Then we can not spend all of our time in the same space. We each need a reason to get away from each other, as well as away from our home. Work's as good a reason as any.
I want to be able to walk around the apartment in my bare feet. This means I need to mop more. I'm currently blogging from atop my bed while the floor dries. This is a want I can TOTALLY take care of!
I need enough money to buy the things I want. I need to feel needed. I need to feel appreciated. I need to not nag and to cease my passive aggression. It's ugly, and I don't like it.
I desire to be in shape again. I'm workin' on it, and in the meantime, my tan is gettin' really great. And wouldja lookit that? The sun is out! I can go tread water! Yay!