Friday, February 26, 2016

Trying not to be Judgey

Yeah, yeah, Yoda, I know.

Still, it's hard, now that I'm officially unemployed. YES, I am still a Money Magnet (Thank You, Thank You, Thank You). But when Stephen leaves for work on a day I'm not scheduled for anything, he says (in a completely non-judgey way), "try to get outside for a little bit". I know if I find a reason to get out in the world, that while I'm out there, at least, my breathing will be clear, and I'll probably be productive. But there was no reason for me to get out, past the mailboxes, either yesterday or today.

I was expecting to receive my paychecks for those days on set last week. That would have gotten me to the credit union, and then I probably would've swung by Trader Joe's while I was out, because that's part of what makes me, ME. The mail came early enough, both days, but there were no "get out in the world" notifications in the box, so I just came back upstairs.

I haven't washed the dishes or loaded the dishwasher today, and I was planning to try to do that. I didn't work on my crochet project today, and I wanted to try to do that, too. I haven't caught up on all the blogs I read, and there are quite a few, even though I've been trying to do that ever since I left the Bros. I didn't do the tax research I mentioned yesterday. I haven't prepared a lovely dinner for Stephen like I did yesterday (I'm thinking sandwiches, or some other fend-for-yourself).

I checked the Central Casting Facebook notifications, and submitted for appropriate work as it came through. I played a lot of games on my computer and my phone. I read several chapters of Furiously Happy, which I bought oh-so-long-ago and even got signed! ... which has actually led to me trying not to be judgey. The last chapter I read (before posting) was "The Big Quiz". Jenny talks about having imposter syndrome and feeling like she fails at life, even when, to the outside observer, she is SO Winning! I completely related to the chapter, because, duh, I'm unemployed, and I still can't even get myself to load the dishwasher! But I realized that I was being judgey with myself, and that's not fun. So Thank You, Jenny Lawson, a.k.a. @TheBloggess, for reminding me that Today still has
Three Good Things:
  1. Submitting for gigs
  2. Putting myself on avail for rush calls
  3. Reading
  4. Staying awake all day
  5. Exercising my brain muscles with the games I play
  6. Exercising my legs by traversing the stairs to check the mail
  7. Cleaning the litter box gets me points, according to Jenny's quiz!
  8. I didn't die today (also points in the quiz)
  9. I only ever say "liberry" ironically, but I never say "supposeably" or "flustrated", so I'm still taking the quiz points for that one.
Oy. Spell-check knows that "flustrated" is not a word, but it recognizes "liberry" and "supposeably". And now my heart hurts. Not really. But my brain does. Or maybe not. Wait! Do I get points for not punching the assholes at Spell-Check in the neck for approving those non-words? Yay! That's me, WINNING!

So tell me, are you your own worst enemy? Are you actually winning, but for the self-judgment? Or are you MY worst enemy, and you're sitting there judging me RIGHT NOW? ;)


  1. I love #4, Staying awake all day. Cause when I'm not working, nap time a cometh. Although I also have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (not super bad like some people do), so napping on weekends helps me to recoup a bit from the week. But even if I didn't have that...on a day off...NAP TIME! AND YOU BETTER SHUT UP WHILE YOU'RE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND DON'T WAKE ME UP!!!

    1. Mommy had CFS for forty-some years (long before there was a diagnosis), & I'm blessed to not have CFS, but I also appreciate a good nap!

    2. I don't have it as bad as some...I hope it doesn't ever get worse. But I can at least go for walks, workout with weights (only once per week, any more and it just hits me) and do pretty much most normal things. But overdoing anything can drop me into pain. I hope mine doesn't last my whole life. But, I luckily have a great wife and two strong boys to help me with snow clearing and other things when I'm wiped out. But, like I said, even if I didn't have it...yay naps. :D

    3. Yeah, I think Mommy's was so bad because there was no treatment for so long, so it only got worse. I'm glad your case is "mild". It sucks to have an invisible disease. You know awesomesauciness from Eli's? She's got fibromyalgia, which is constant pain in addition to fatigue. Horrible.

      I am blessed to really only suffer from occasional depression. Yay, naps! :D

    4. That sucks about how bad your Mom had it. Especially for that long. There's still no real treatment for it, none that I know of anyway. I take supplements to give me some energy, and I find that electrolytes help to sometimes get me going again. I suffer from depression as well. I often think the two issues are linked in some way.

      I didn't know about awesomesauciness having fibro. Stupid crappy issues.

    5. Yeah, the diagnosis was her first real relief. She got into a drug study and felt like it helped, although we were never told whether she received the real deal or the placebo. Knowing her limitations and not trying to plow through them made her final decade "better" for everyone.

      You should read awesomesauciness' blog. She's pretty funny.


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